


A bitter pill (to swallow)

by Liliace



Series: rivalries & relationships [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Monologue, M/M, Mage Hawke - Freeform, Post-A Bitter Pill, Rivalry Romance, aka the focus is on Hawke's thoughts & feelings, most characters have fleeting appearances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 09:37:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5661586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliace/pseuds/Liliace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil?' Fenris had asked. Garrett isn't quite sure how to deal with that stab.</p><p>In which Garrett is tired, but continues trying anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A bitter pill (to swallow)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age or any of the characters (though I do have all three of the games now, yay Christmas)
> 
> I wanted to write what I imagined my mage Hawke would think about Fenris' comment. It kind of evolved from there.
> 
> Also, please note! I don't dislike Anders - I actually love him. The reason he might seem like a little shit is that he doesn't like Fenris, not because I think that he's a bad person.

_"What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil?"_

'Me', Garrett had wanted to say. 'Bethany, who was the sweetest and most innocent person I've ever known. My mother, who remains strong in the face of hardships and chose love and freedom over money and status. Even Carver, who stands by us, and especially me, despite hating being in my shadow.'

He didn't say any of that, however. Fenris wouldn't have listened, or would have started to loath him even more.

Garrett wouldn't have minded Fenris saying something like that before, at the beginning of their acquaintance. But he had made the same mistake as Anders; thinking Fenris might not be completely unreasonable when it came to magic, not anymore.

To be fair, meeting and killing Hadriana had to deeply affect Fenris, never mind the news about his having a sister. But still. It hurt.

Anders and Isabela tried to make him feel better when they travelled back to Kirkwall. Isabela by telling him that Fenris would calm down and apologise, Anders by… Well, telling him that Fenris wasn't worth the trouble anyway.

Walking down the road, Garrett realised that he missed Bethany more than he had in years. His sister would've held his hand, told him the same things he had thought and what he needed to hear someone else say; that magic didn't ruin everything it touched. She'd have reminded him that Fenris had stood by him for years even knowing Garrett had magic and believed in mages' freedom.

Thinking all those things didn't make him feel better like hearing someone else say them would have. In his own head, it sounded too much like he was desperately trying to convince himself.

Though convince himself of what? Garrett couldn't say for sure. Perhaps that Fenris didn't hate him, or that they still had a chance. Perhaps that he wasn't a horrible person even if he was a mage, or that he wouldn't 'spoil' Fenris by being with him. Perhaps it was all those things, and more.

Eventually Anders and Isabela realised that he wasn't paying attention to their platitudes, and they fell silent. Garrett wanted to tell them to continue talking because the silence, the absence of words only amplified the screaming inside his head. He didn't bother, though, because the two of them had to be feeling awkward and uncomfortable already.

When they got to Kirkwall, Garrett stopped. He didn't want to go home yet, to his mother's concerned looks and questions and to the elf girl he had just hired to be his servant. He didn't want any reminders about Fenris.

Come to think of it, he didn't want any reminders about Fenris' lack of faith in him either. Really, Fenris had thought that he would take on a slave? He had believed that Fenris knew him better than that, and that they both trusted each other equally, but perhaps not. Perhaps their pseudo-relationship meant more to Garrett than it did to Fenris.

But he had offered Orana a job, and he wouldn't send her away just because he was upset over Fenris' actions.

That didn't mean that he had to go home immediately, though. Perhaps he should look around to make sure Orana wasn't wandering around lost – even though going home would give him an answer much sooner. And even if Orana had found her way to their mansion, Bodahn would surely look after her.

Garrett glanced at his companions who were standing by his side silently, not questioning him or showing any signs of being exasperated by his inability to deal with Fenris leaving. He felt a warmth spreading through his chest, and smiled slightly. It was good to know he still had people who had his back.

Suddenly he remembered the Tevinter Chantry Amulet he had picked up in the caves, thinking that Anders might like it. He had had second thoughts about actually giving it to the Grey Warden because of Fenris' great dislike towards anything Tevinter, but now… Now, since Fenris had left, he probably wouldn't find out about the gift anyway.

And as his chest twinged at the thought of doing something Fenris would absolutely hate, he reminded himself that Fenris had hurt him more deeply.

It wasn't even that Fenris insinuated that he was a bad person; he could deal with that. But Fenris had basically attacked his entire family, his childhood, everyone close to him; and that wasn't something as easily forgiven.

An image of Bethany, lying on the ground as she had tried to shield them, protect their family with her magic, flashed through his mind. Garrett breathed in deeply as he blinked away the tears. He knew Fenris had said the comment unthinkingly, but that didn't ease the hurt he was feeling.

Garrett shook his head. Time for feeling sorry for himself would be later, when he was alone and not so upset that he couldn't deal with it. Now, he needed to focus on the present.

After exchanging some words with Isabela and Anders, they started the journey towards Anders' clinic. Garrett wasn't quite sure why Isabela was tagging along, but he figured it was because she didn't want to leave him alone quite yet.

Or perhaps it was because she wanted him to go drinking with her; she asked him to accompany her to the Hanged Man after Garrett had presented Anders with the amulet in the safety of the clinic. Anders had liked the gift, and Garrett felt slightly better about the whole ordeal.

Garrett accepted Isabela's offer. He didn't want to go home just yet, and he knew his mother wouldn't worry over just one night of absence.

Drinking at the Hanged Man was always fun; especially so with both Isabela and Varric, who had appeared at their table at some point. Hours and bottles disappeared quickly, without notice, and Garrett was drunk enough to even consider having comfort sex with Isabela when Varric finally ended the party by dragging him and Isabela to sleep. Quite happy to crash on Varric's room, Garrett didn't protest.

Morning came, and with it, a hangover. Luckily healing magic was useful outside of battles as well – Varric expressed similar sentiments when Garrett healed him too. Isabela had disappeared somewhere, but Garrett was rather sure she wasn't suffering from a hangover anyway; that woman could handle her drinks like no other.

Garrett still didn't want to go home. He should, perhaps, if only to welcome Orana and reassure his mother he was fine. But when Varric asked him if he wanted to look for that lost Qunari patrol, he said yes without hesitating.

He took Merrill, Varric, and Aveline with him. Isabela had apparently told at least Merrill what had happened the previous day, since Merrill was more awkward and sympathetic than usual. Garrett didn't mind, though. He liked the little elf, even if she did use blood magic; he often felt like she was a little sister, and almost as often wondered if he'd 'adopted' Merrill because he had tried to fill the hole Bethany had left behind.

No matter, though. He appreciated Merrill's awkward reassurances much more than Anders' reminders of how Fenris hated mages. Varric and Aveline were still in the dark, so Garrett didn't have to put up with any changed behaviour from them.

The day went by quickly, doing whatever odd jobs he had on his list. It was also very fun to watch Varric interact with Merrill, and Aveline tease Varric for his obvious protectiveness. As a result, Garrett was feeling much better when evening came, and even debated going to visit Fenris.

But, no. He wasn't ready for that confrontation just yet. He didn't know what he would do if Fenris told him he was leaving, or that they'd need to stop their flirting and pseudo-relationship. On the other hand, he also wasn't sure if he could stomach continuing pursuing Fenris if the other didn't apologise for his words; no matter how much he liked and cared about Fenris, he didn't think he could start a relationship with someone who could hurt him – even without meaning to – and not feel any regret for it.

So he said his goodbyes to his friends and headed home. Aveline walked with him while Varric escorted Merrill home, and Garrett could feel Aveline's considering and worried glances. She didn't say anything, however, so he didn't either. She'd find out from the gossip soon enough anyway, no need for him to explain and bring up the memories.

As he entered his mansion and waved goodbye to Aveline, he immediately noticed the figure sitting on the bench.

'Fenris', he thought, a wave of relief washing over him. It wasn't until that moment that he realized just how worried he had been over Fenris, having seen nor heard from the other man and not knowing what he had been up to after the incident with Hadriana.

It had to be said that even though Fenris was unreasonable with his hatred towards mages, he had manners. So it wasn't completely surprising that Fenris apologized for taking his anger out on Garrett.

Instead of answering with any of the thousand questions or other things wandering in his head, Garrett said that he'd been worried. He didn't want to risk alienating Fenris again, not now, not so soon; especially not when Fenris was being logical.

The effort was wasted, though. As it so often was with them, their conversation became an argument, though Garrett did try his best to make Fenris understand that he was on his side.

When his "I'm trying to help you; you can't do this alone" was answered with "no doubt you are right", Garrett felt a momentary sense of relief. That disappeared in the following second when he realized that Fenris wasn't pacing the room; Fenris was walking away from him, out of Garrett's home – possibly out of Garrett's life.

Garrett didn't chase after him. He knew Fenris wouldn't appreciate it, and, to be honest, he was tired. Tired of trying to make Fenris understand the mages' side of things, tired of balancing his friendships with Fenris and Anders and Merrill, tired of being upset with Fenris.

Most of all, though, he was tired of feeling like he would never be good enough for Fenris simply because of what he was.

Carver had often envied him, been jealous of his status as the 'leader'. In moments like that, Garrett wanted to laugh and shove all his responsibilities on his brother. Because no matter how tired he was, no matter how much he just wanted to lie down on his bed, he still had to deal with Orana.

Bodahn told him that Orana had wandered in, and Garrett immediately spoke to the girl when he noticed her standing in the corner. He asked about her wellbeing – and wanted to scream when Orana said that she even felt bad for the magister, because that was wrong on so many levels; instead he nodded and said he understood – and told her that he'd be paying her. Her reaction to that was unsurprising, but made Garrett's hatred for slavers spike anyway.

After making sure that everything was alright with Orana, and that Bodahn would make sure she settled in, Garrett passed his mother with a quick smile and escaped to his room. He couldn't deal with anything else at that moment; he was way too tired.

Nevertheless, sleep didn't come. He lay awake for hours, staring at the bed's canopy and wondering what Fenris was doing, where he was; what Bethany would say about his infatuation with someone who hated mages so deeply; how their father would have reacted to such news.

He wondered what his mother would say when he told her he wasn't going to settle down and marry some nice lady, how Carver would react when he told him that his defence of mages – his own kind – had cost him a relationship with someone he really liked. Carver wouldn't gloat, he hoped. Really, he probably wouldn't. Carver wasn't mean, just… rightfully upset because 'everyone' always picked Garrett first.

'Fenris would have gotten along much better with Carver than me', Garrett thought, 'if he could have ignored the constant whining. Though Fenris complains about things almost as much.' To be fair, they all did; each and every one of their little makeshift family members had problems and issues and things they loved to complain about. Especially Anders.

Garrett wondered what he'd be upset over if he had the luxury. He was angry about how mages were treated, and furious about them being made tranquil; he hated slavery, and blood magic almost as much; he didn't think the Qunari were right in their beliefs or in staying in Kirkwall for so long without explaining the reason, nor did he agree with bribery and dirty politics. So really, he had very much to complain about – if only he could.

Being the leader meant that he had to balance everything. He couldn't lose his cool and rant and complain about things, because that wouldn't accomplish anything; being calm and collected was much more likely to help others see sense. So he kept his head and left the ranting and fury to his companions, only stepping in to make sure they didn't go too far.

But sometimes, like now, he really wished he didn't have to be the reasonable one. He wanted to complain and bitch and give Fenris the cold treatment; he wanted to act as his emotions demanded he would, not try to follow his brain and logic.

The woes of being responsible for too many things and people. He'd happily give the duty to anyone who asked for it, if only he could.

Yet when he woke up the next morning – apparently he had managed to fall asleep at some point – and saw Aveline, Varric, and Isabela standing in front of his home, he couldn't help but grin affectionately and feel glad that he had these wonderful people. His life was a mess, sure, and they just made it worse; but their presence also made it better, and truly, he wouldn't give it up for the world.

Which is why it hurt so much that Fenris had upset that balance; had quite possibly left Garrett's life entirely. Because even if Fenris brought all kinds of trouble with him, and didn't see eye to eye with Garrett on basically anything, he still wanted Fenris in his life.

It was difficult to feel upset when Isabela and Varric were bickering in front of him, though. So Garrett let a smile slip through, offered Aveline his arm – and got an incredulous lifted eyebrow as a reward – and dragged them off to another mad adventure.

'What hasn't magic spoiled, huh?' he thought, ignoring the twinge in his chest. 'These wonderful people; my friends, who never give up no matter what. And you, Fenris. Magic may have marked you, bent you, but it didn't maim or break you. You're not spoiled; now, if only you'd give me a chance to show you that.'

**Author's Note:**

> (Headcanon in my own story: Isabela left before Garrett and Varric woke up because she went to talk some sense into Fenris, which is why Fenris even shows up at Garrett's place. Aka Isabela is awesome)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Please let me know how you think I managed to write all the characters, as this is my first DA fanfiction. Also, I have a second part to this - I'll probably post it some day soon, after I'm satisfied with it.
> 
> Random note; 'marked, but not maimed; bent, but not broken' comes from http://thesurvivorsmark.tumblr.com/ - I know Fenris probably wasn't sexually abused/assaulted, but I like that quote (also, to anyone who thinks it's inappropriate for me to use it: I probably have more say in the matter than you do. Or at least equal say).


End file.
